[ She immediately recognizes that for what it is... ]
That was different. Alenko was just wary because of Cerberus, right? Can't exactly blame the guy. He did miss out on some good times, though.
In any case, I... I don't know, Shep. The suicide mission was--a lot for me, you know? I'm a thief, not a soldier. Being in the line of fire isn't exactly my thing.
Plus, there was... Well. [ She clears her throat. ] I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Keiji.
You're frighteningly perceptive. Has anyone ever told you that?
[ He pauses. ] It was probably for the best he wasn't there.
[ He made a point of not asking him to come. He knew what the answer would be. But this isn't about just Kaidan, and he zeroes in on Kasumi's uncharacteristic stumbling. ]
I understand. For a suicide mission, we did all right -- but it left a lot of us at loose ends. [ He pauses. ] I don't think I've ever asked you what that's like.
I've gotten that a few times, yeah. [ From Keiji, mostly. And Joker had said something very much to the same effect but in different words (the word "creepy" comes to mind). ]
But I'd agree. I doubt he'd have gotten along with anyone, plus--look how well he's turned out now. The second human Spectre.
[ Be proud of your boyfriend, Shep. ]
You want to know what that's like, huh? Well... After the crew split, it was back to business as usual for me, really, but I could have a lot more time with Keiji without a big suicide mission filling up my schedule.
[ She says it lightheartedly, but there's a painful tinge of truth in her words. She'd spent a lot of time in the graybox; doing so was one of the reasons she eventually gained access to the intel surrounding the batarians and the indoctrinated hanar--not entirely because she felt an innate, altruistic need to make sure whatever it would be wasn't dangerous if swept completely under the rug, but because she needed to know just what exactly Keiji died for. ]
I had enough fights to break up as it was. [ Shepard exhales softly, but his voice does carry a tinge of pride when he says: ] And he technically outranks me now, too. He earned it.
[ Unlike Shepard, Kaidan hadn't simply had to be there at the right place and time. But when Kasumi goes on to talk about Keiji, Shepard pauses, reflecting on that.
He isn't sure what it's like, to have a loved one pass on. He's lost his father, but he was young, and he suspects it doesn't really compare to losing someone who was a partner, your friend. Someone you'd hoped you'd be able to spend the rest of your life with. He's... also pretty sure it's not healthy, although he supposes he's hardly the poster child for emotional health.
But even so. ]
That doesn't seem like you. [ Pause. ] No offense.
[ She makes a little humming noise, perplexed by his words. She'd made no secret of the fact that she wasn't entirely over Keiji's death, after all, although perhaps that was something that only really became obvious to Shepard when they'd met again back home; as it is, this Shepard hadn't seen her, doesn't know that she'd spent the last six month since the Normandy crew split living vicariously through her old memories. ]
[ The silence on the other end of the line should be pretty telling.
Because Kasumi, for once, doesn't have an immediate response or witty comeback, because for once, she's not sure. Sure, it made her happy to think back on all the great times that she and Keiji had together, but it also made her incredibly sad, incredibly lonely. Because there's always an end to those memories. No matter how much or how many times she watches them, eventually they come to a stop, cut off like an unfinished film.
Still, she takes the easy answer. ]
Yeah, of course it does.
[ But don't mind the way her voice chokes up for a split second, there. ]
[ And even if it's just over the comm, it's enough to make Shepard shift uneasily. If this was face to face, maybe he could have something more to offer. The solid weight of his presence, or a sign that he understands what Kasumi can't or won't say. He's not very good at finding the right thing to say, or knowing when it's right to call someone out on something or not. He'd gotten close to his crew, but that was when they were relatively certain they were heading for certain death. Here, it's easier to find excuse not to get into each other's business.
Finally: ]
You're allowed to be happy because of more than one thing, you know.
[ There's a lot she could say here. She could say that she doesn't want other memories, there's no point if Keiji's not a part of her life, it's all so unfair--
--But those are things she would have said during those dark days, weeks, almost months she spent mourning him after he was killed. And those are times that even someone who's made of yesterdays like Kasumi would rather not dwell on. ]
... Yeah.
[ She hears him. Whether or not she'll listen is another story. ]
It's--strange, Shep. Before I got to this place, I was so ready to just spend the rest of my time with Keiji, because it felt like sooner or later that time would end. Because of the Reapers, you know? But things are different here.
[ It's okay, Kasumi, by this point Shepard's resigned to nobody ever listening to any advice he might dispense... at best, he just helps people accept the decisions they've already made well before hand. ]
You ever think about what you'd do if he ... if Keiji ever showed up here?
It's come up before, in a way, when Kaidan found out about Keiji--he'd mentioned that the Porter could bring the dead back to life, and--well. Kasumi didn't particularly know what to do with that information. On the one hand, there was a momentary spark of hope--but she'd hesitated, then, because she'd spent so long grieving him that she didn't know what she'd do if he came back. And then later, she mulled over it--what if it really did do that? What if Keiji could be brought back to life and they could live here where it doesn't matter if he has war-igniting intel in his graybox and where they could build a whole different life here together?
That was probably around when she began diving into the graybox almost every night, fervently wishing for that to come true.
But then weeks, and then months passed since she first arrived at this place, and with no sign of Keiji. What are the chances, anyway? There are literally an infinite number of dimensions the Porter could choose from. Somehow, they've ended up with several from theirs, but still. Was it still okay to hope?
And what if he did come back now? What would he think of her? She's different from who she was back then, she thinks. She's teamed up with Commander freaking Shepard and helped save the damn galaxy. She's settling into this strange place and making friends. What if... what if that wouldn't work with him...? ]
... I don't know, Shep. I think I'd be happy if he did. If there's anyone that deserves a second chance at life, it's Keiji.
[ Shepard can think of people he's not really sure how he'd respond to if they showed up in this world. He's made difficult choices of his own, of course, things he's not really proud of. He wouldn't necessarily choose differently -- he wouldn't be where he is today without them -- but there's a world of possibilities out there, and knowing that so much could turn on a single choice is ... daunting.
And maybe it's projecting, but he thinks he can pick up a touch of that hesitation in her voice as well. He understands, maybe. Kaidan hadn't exactly been thrilled to see him again, just as much as Shepard had been angry and confused about finding himself awake again after a distinct memory of death. ]
If he does show up, I hope he takes it better than I did.
[ That earns Shepard a rueful sort of laugh from Kasumi. ]
Keiji is really good at adapting to the situation, so he probably would.
[ She doesn't quite realize how telling it is that she sometimes still refers to him in the present tense. The truth, however, is that Kasumi isn't sure on that front, either--if Keiji would take it any better than Shep did. Keiji... he was ready to die. The fact that there'd been a prerecorded message for her when she accessed his graybox was only testimony to that; he knew he could be gone at any moment. That's why he urged her to leave him behind when Hock killed him. He knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later and he knew that they would be together again through their memories.
Because he knew that if he hadn't been prepared, if he hadn't had the presence of mind to make sure they would find a way to be together again, Kasumi would have begged to stay, to die with him right then and there. And if he hadn't been prepared, he wouldn't have been able to fight her on it.
But he did, and now here she is. Still unsure. ]
I don't know if I should... keep hoping he might show up here. It just doesn't seem likely, and yet...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Like Kaidan... ]
holy shit adverbs up the wazzoo in my last tag i'm sorry
That was different. Alenko was just wary because of Cerberus, right? Can't exactly blame the guy. He did miss out on some good times, though.
In any case, I... I don't know, Shep. The suicide mission was--a lot for me, you know? I'm a thief, not a soldier. Being in the line of fire isn't exactly my thing.
Plus, there was... Well. [ She clears her throat. ] I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Keiji.
IT'S OKAY...
[ He pauses. ] It was probably for the best he wasn't there.
[ He made a point of not asking him to come. He knew what the answer would be. But this isn't about just Kaidan, and he zeroes in on Kasumi's uncharacteristic stumbling. ]
I understand. For a suicide mission, we did all right -- but it left a lot of us at loose ends. [ He pauses. ] I don't think I've ever asked you what that's like.
no subject
But I'd agree. I doubt he'd have gotten along with anyone, plus--look how well he's turned out now. The second human Spectre.
[ Be proud of your boyfriend, Shep. ]
You want to know what that's like, huh? Well... After the crew split, it was back to business as usual for me, really, but I could have a lot more time with Keiji without a big suicide mission filling up my schedule.
[ She says it lightheartedly, but there's a painful tinge of truth in her words. She'd spent a lot of time in the graybox; doing so was one of the reasons she eventually gained access to the intel surrounding the batarians and the indoctrinated hanar--not entirely because she felt an innate, altruistic need to make sure whatever it would be wasn't dangerous if swept completely under the rug, but because she needed to know just what exactly Keiji died for. ]
no subject
[ Unlike Shepard, Kaidan hadn't simply had to be there at the right place and time. But when Kasumi goes on to talk about Keiji, Shepard pauses, reflecting on that.
He isn't sure what it's like, to have a loved one pass on. He's lost his father, but he was young, and he suspects it doesn't really compare to losing someone who was a partner, your friend. Someone you'd hoped you'd be able to spend the rest of your life with. He's... also pretty sure it's not healthy, although he supposes he's hardly the poster child for emotional health.
But even so. ]
That doesn't seem like you. [ Pause. ] No offense.
no subject
And what do you mean by that, exactly?
no subject
You sound like you spent a lot of time getting lost in your memories.
no subject
I wouldn't call it getting lost in them, necessarily...
[ No, Kasumi, that's an apt description if there ever was one. ]
I'm just nostalgic, is all.
no subject
Does it make you happy?
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Because Kasumi, for once, doesn't have an immediate response or witty comeback, because for once, she's not sure. Sure, it made her happy to think back on all the great times that she and Keiji had together, but it also made her incredibly sad, incredibly lonely. Because there's always an end to those memories. No matter how much or how many times she watches them, eventually they come to a stop, cut off like an unfinished film.
Still, she takes the easy answer. ]
Yeah, of course it does.
[ But don't mind the way her voice chokes up for a split second, there. ]
no subject
Finally: ]
You're allowed to be happy because of more than one thing, you know.
no subject
--No, apparently. ]
--What do you mean by that?
no subject
That doesn't mean you can't make other memories too.
no subject
--But those are things she would have said during those dark days, weeks, almost months she spent mourning him after he was killed. And those are times that even someone who's made of yesterdays like Kasumi would rather not dwell on. ]
... Yeah.
[ She hears him. Whether or not she'll listen is another story. ]
It's--strange, Shep. Before I got to this place, I was so ready to just spend the rest of my time with Keiji, because it felt like sooner or later that time would end. Because of the Reapers, you know? But things are different here.
[ And she's not sure what to do. ]
no subject
[ It's okay, Kasumi, by this point Shepard's resigned to nobody ever listening to any advice he might dispense... at best, he just helps people accept the decisions they've already made well before hand. ]
You ever think about what you'd do if he ... if Keiji ever showed up here?
no subject
It's come up before, in a way, when Kaidan found out about Keiji--he'd mentioned that the Porter could bring the dead back to life, and--well. Kasumi didn't particularly know what to do with that information. On the one hand, there was a momentary spark of hope--but she'd hesitated, then, because she'd spent so long grieving him that she didn't know what she'd do if he came back. And then later, she mulled over it--what if it really did do that? What if Keiji could be brought back to life and they could live here where it doesn't matter if he has war-igniting intel in his graybox and where they could build a whole different life here together?
That was probably around when she began diving into the graybox almost every night, fervently wishing for that to come true.
But then weeks, and then months passed since she first arrived at this place, and with no sign of Keiji. What are the chances, anyway? There are literally an infinite number of dimensions the Porter could choose from. Somehow, they've ended up with several from theirs, but still. Was it still okay to hope?
And what if he did come back now? What would he think of her? She's different from who she was back then, she thinks. She's teamed up with Commander freaking Shepard and helped save the damn galaxy. She's settling into this strange place and making friends. What if... what if that wouldn't work with him...? ]
... I don't know, Shep. I think I'd be happy if he did. If there's anyone that deserves a second chance at life, it's Keiji.
[ But still. She's unsure. ]
no subject
And maybe it's projecting, but he thinks he can pick up a touch of that hesitation in her voice as well. He understands, maybe. Kaidan hadn't exactly been thrilled to see him again, just as much as Shepard had been angry and confused about finding himself awake again after a distinct memory of death. ]
If he does show up, I hope he takes it better than I did.
no subject
Keiji is really good at adapting to the situation, so he probably would.
[ She doesn't quite realize how telling it is that she sometimes still refers to him in the present tense. The truth, however, is that Kasumi isn't sure on that front, either--if Keiji would take it any better than Shep did. Keiji... he was ready to die. The fact that there'd been a prerecorded message for her when she accessed his graybox was only testimony to that; he knew he could be gone at any moment. That's why he urged her to leave him behind when Hock killed him. He knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later and he knew that they would be together again through their memories.
Because he knew that if he hadn't been prepared, if he hadn't had the presence of mind to make sure they would find a way to be together again, Kasumi would have begged to stay, to die with him right then and there. And if he hadn't been prepared, he wouldn't have been able to fight her on it.
But he did, and now here she is. Still unsure. ]
I don't know if I should... keep hoping he might show up here. It just doesn't seem likely, and yet...